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Push it up, Stick it Out, and Dive Right In:
The Truth About What Your Bad Beachwear Says About You

By Sasha Fastovskiy
Of all the relaxing times in the year, beach time is the most stressful. Even natural beauties pluck, prep, and pour themselves into the most fitting of swimwear. Then, all beachonistas lie on the beach, smothering themselves in lotion, occasionally flipping through a page turner (Vogue or a selection from Oprah’s Book Club), and gawking at their neighbors (“Oh good, I’m not the fat one on the beach today,” or “I hope those skinny bee-atches drown.”).

It is in these gawkier-stalker moments that we inadvertently look at ourselves. Suddenly, a time for relaxation turns into a depressing self-reflection on one’s body, and a to-do list is formulated. What we don’t realize is that everything we’ve put on is already speaking volumes about who we are, what we like, and what we want others to think. In order to portray the best image, we should keep it classy, keep it sassy, and most importantly, we should hide our…assy.

Bangles, Baubles, Jewels Galore: Okay, so besides the fact that they produce odd tan lines and they’re incredibly uncomfortable, they also scream narcissism. Plus, they may get ruined after sand, salt water, and chlorine. Wearing a ring, or that necklace-you-never-take-off, is okay, but anything else is just showy.

Swimming in the not-swim-proof: Some people try to hide those ever so unflattering areas by wearing shirts, shoes, or even sweatshirts in the water. Truth be told, that only brings more attention to whatever you’re uncomfortable with. Instead of playing “hide the body,” pick a flattering swimsuit, and own up to it.

But I Haven’t Gained Weight: Yes, you have. Get rid of old bathing suits after a few years. Bodies change, even if only in the slightest ways, so what you showed off at 25 shouldn’t be what’s on display at 30. If all else fails, pretend you’re in it for the newer styles. No one’s saying to rock the granny attire, but if you can’t pull it off, it’s best to put something else on.

Speaking of Grannies: Sometimes, more is more. Cut-out swimsuits and monokinis may be all the rage, but most aren’t too beach appropriate. Save the uber-sexy for the pool parties. And the same for the men out there. If you’re not in St. Tropez, make sure it (I’m referring to your swim attire, of course) goes to your knees (at least!). Oui oui?


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